1 Year Post BP

I must apologize to my readers. I have not kept up my blog; for a couple reasons.

After a few months of recovery, summer hit and honestly, it was time to play with my family and friends. I felt that I had missed so much life from Sept-January. I missed throwing my annual Halloween party, Christmas was a blur and Jan/Feb was painful. I also just needed to walk away from my reality. I did not want to be the "woman with Bells", I just wanted to be me.

I can say that I had an absolutely wonderful summer; vacationed A LOT! Had family come to visit, went to Cancun, Disney, Nags Head, NC, camping for my husbands 50th....we played and played hard. I also took on two part time jobs. Neither of which required me to be in public speaking positions which I felt were too much for me because of the weakness in my lips. Not to mention my self consciousness about my face.

Honestly though, I could never really escape the mirror. The mirror, as my uncle said at a wedding this Sept, is the one thing that should smile back at you every day. That hit me hard. Very hard. Because although I can move my lips into a slight smirk, I still cannot lift my upper lip and smile with my teeth.

You have ALL said how "wonderful" I look and I appreciate that. I have had improvements. But I want my stinking lip to move! Do you know how hard it is to eat a pastrami sandwich without moving your lip out of the way? Please, try it. Try it today with your lunch. Bite into your food and DO NOT move your upper lip. Then get out a TON of napkins because that is what you will need. It sucks. Will it ruin me? Hell no. But it sucks. Eating sloppily sucks.

I have an appointment at the end of October for a follow up. My doc might shoot my chin up with Botox to get rid of the bells palsy dimples and maybe relax the wooden feel of my mouth. I am going to ask him for a lower lip tuck because my aperture is gone (in other words my lip has no muscle control) and a eye-lid tuck so I can wear makeup without it ending up on my lids EVERY TIME. I am sick of my husband saying "honey, wipe your eyelid". Not that I don't appreciate him looking out for me but seriously. It gets old. Waterproof mascara my ass.

9 months since surgery and my ears still itch from being cut (so if you see me with my finger in my ear, that's why) and my neck is still slightly numb. I get some sharp tingles in my face every once in a while and I can only hope that it's a good thing. I stopped having to tape my eye shut in early spring but when I'm really tired, I wear an eye mask to keep them closed at night.

Recently, I saw some results from a gracilis muscle transplant. That's where they take a muscle from the thigh and put it in the face to replace the atrophied muscles. If you asked me in Jan/Feb if I would ever go through facial surgery again it would be an emphatic no. Now I am considering going through this one. It MIGHT get my cheek muscles moving again. I cannot do a "blowfish" and food gets stuck on the side of my mouth because my cheeks don't move. You would never realize the slight movements your face/body does all day to help you live until you do not have them.

September has been especially tough. I get scared that BP will come back. I think , "It's  been a year - HEAL ALREADY!" I get frustrated and take it out on my family. Hopefully after October I will feel a little better about my appearance which sounds soooo superficial. Maybe that's the lesson I'm supposed to learn this time around. IDK. I don't want to hate people that show their teeth but when I see a huge smile, that's all I think about. But please, for god's sake, don't stop smiling around me. I'll be okay - it's just a phase of life I have to go through. I have things that many other's don't and I have to remember that. We are all blessed in different ways. Just not all the ways WE would like to be blessed - I guess it's not our choice.

Okay, back to my day...I hope you have a beautiful one. <3 I'll try to blog more often.

Mia