6- Premonition

Do you have premonitions? Do you catch that moment where you say to yourself "my appointment could be rescheduled." I did and it was. Rescheduled for next day....the day Lukas was coming in from Germany. I was really feeling like I wasn't going to catch a break. But I know we all feel like that sometimes, don't we? I think my amount of crying over the phone to the nurse when she called to tell me of the reschedule helped me get in the next day though. I wasn't whining; I was full on crying. I get a little emotionally wrapped around the idea of hope.

My son was unable to join us as he was to meet Lukas that day and we would hopefully be back in time to pick them both up. John's Hopkins is 2 hours away and timing was everything. The night before an unexpected gift arrived at my door; it was a friend with a basket of cookies, crackers, and water for our ride to the doctor. Not only did that make it seem more real, it was an amazing gesture of friendship and thoughtfulness.

Dr. K's office felt like I was walking into a high end Hollywood surgeon's office. A woman was checking out all decked in her best looking FABULOUS having just had some injections of some sort. Am I in the right place?? All I could think of while sitting there was that I wanted to look like her. But I am not thin, statuesque and I'm not African-American with beautiful skin. She was going to miss her flight and rushed out the door. Probably to Hollywood or something like that. They gave me a tablet to fill our a survey for the doctor. "Do you like how you look?" "Does it upset you to look in the mirror?". Tears welled up and my husband took over the survey. I could not complete it and he knew the answers. He knew how I've been feeling and took the wheel.

More torture ensued; Pictures. Full on photographs of me smiling, grimacing, wrinkling my nose, raising my eyebrows. Honestly, it was all the exact same expression for each photo. Then video of the same with me speaking or should I say slurring my words. (Someone once thought I was drunk when I talked to them, not realizing what had happened to me. At that moment, I wished I was toasted) I could tell the nurse felt horrible having to put me through this but she also reassured me that I was in the right place. She gave me a HUGE hug when I left that area of the office. I'm afraid it will not be the last time I'm put through this to compare my before's. (There's that word again)

When I finally got to meet Dr. K I was in awe. I felt like I was meeting a rock star. He said he usually waits 10 mo's before doing any work on a Bells Palsy patients but knowing my situation and how I recovered (or not recovered) the first time, he would only give it six more weeks. When I tell you what he might do, it will seem overwhelming but honestly, compared to what I go through every day. I'm ready to be cut open.

He will re-assign #5 and #12 nerves to work for #7 on my left side. Then he'll cut a muscle on the neck of my right side to release the synkinesis in my face. Right now when I "smile" my right side bunches up. Then do some botox shots on my right, maybe put some weights in my lids to help me blink better until the nerves start working and maybe do a brow lift (woohooo...facelift!!!). If the botox and muscle release doesn't work, he'll do muscle grafting. Not sure how all this will all play out but I know it will be about 3 mo's after surgery before the nerves realize they are supposed to do different things. My next appointment is December 2nd and it can't come soon enough.

We did make it home in time to pick up my son and our German exchange student and were able to sit down for a meal. It was tough explaining to Lukas why I looked the way I did while having a hard time pronouncing words (in English to a German speaking teenager). F- words are the hardest. Go figure, that's my favorite go to word. B's are next and and a word with two B's are ridiculous. By the end of the day my jaw aches from working so hard to speak. And I am bloody tired of repeating myself. So, I tape my eye shut, take a pill and go to sleep dreaming of smiling again.